I always find myself coming back here...

Normally I wouldn't be here at 2 o'clock in the morning writing in my online journal. I haven't done it for five months. Geez, I must be the queen of phases when it comes to journals.But circumstances are not normal. I need an outlet. I'm having weird dreams again. I feel horrible physically, mentally, and spiritually. Altogether, I am not a very happy person right now. I am so worried about stupid crap.I am just so frustrated with myself right now. I can't even put my feelings into words... My dreams: I keep having these dreams that have to do with my ring Chris gave me for my birthday this year. Our promise ring. In the dreams I have had about it, the stones fall out of the ring. I find myself crying and trying to find and pick up the pieces. In the first dream, the stones were huge. In my dream recently the openings for the stones were huge. I wake up thinking it really happened. I wake up with this feeling of dread having to face the day; then I realize it was just a dream. It is the weirdest cycle.I really don't want to think about what the dreams are telling me. Chris says they represent the part of my mind that hasn't totally given him my trust... but I don't think so. Then again, I think it is the sign of bad things to come for us... so I guess that would relate to the whole trust thing. I'm sure he is right. I have had other dreams about him breaking up with me and crap too. Those are the worst. The horrible thing is that I think this trust I haven't given him yet is trust that I can't give anyone. It wouldn't make a difference who it was. My past has had an effect on me that is hard to shake. I hate going back to that as an excuse but it's true!I don't know. I'm so tired of this type of stuff.

Happy Birthd...

Happy Birthday Buzzy!!!

Assistance needed!

Hey everyone, I need you guys to reply to this post for me and vote! It's a poll for an article as a part of my journalism class. Lots of responses would be great!Who is the cutest anime female lead of all?Sakura from Card Captor SakuraCherry from Saber Marionette JLime from Saber Marionette JLina Inverse from SlayersHikaru from Magic Knight RayearthOtherJust reply to this post and I will be eternally grateful to you all!

All is...

All is content with my world once again...:DBoys are very interesting...I have learned some valuable lessons in this area. They are so much more simple then us women are. I gotta say though, I would never want to be a guy. I like being complicated anyway. :)

Which Rainbo...

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By

Mawhahaha!...

Mawhahaha!Very cute, very pink, and very feminine. That's you.Find your inner rubber ducky.

...and dep...

...and depressed and jealous and...Grr! Today was supposed to be a good day and it turned into a depressing one. Why the heck does this stuff always have to happen? Everything is going along so well and then he's got to tell me some story about a girl hitting on him at Disney and giving into the pressure of some immature spanish girl asking him for his e-mail address. I'm so mad right now I could scream!! Doesn't he see that all problems start small? He gave into the pressure and showed weakness and he has the nerve to give me lectures about it. I'm the one who hasn't had anything happen to me!! I've never had a problem with a another guy after the whole "change" thing. How am I supposed to think he's going to act if some girl forces herself on him or something else like that. Am I the only one in this relationship who friggin' gives a damn?And I love how he tries to turn it around on me and make me think I'm being ridiculous. I can't imagine him if I told him stories like that! He'd flip and he knows it! So the minute I get weirded out by it, it's stupid. Fuck him. I'll get mad about whatever I damn well feel like. I'd appreciate it if he'd quit the "I'm always right act". Fucking hypocrite. So now I'm sitting alone in my room watching TV all night wondering what's wrong with me. Now he's got me all self conscience. I feel like I've gone back to sixth grade where I hated my body and everything else about me. God damn it. I hate feeling this way and I know I have no reason to feel like that but I can't help it. It's like a pattern. You get mad and then you feel guilty. Right now I feel guilty. Do I need to change something about myself to interest him? My God! I know I don't. He's not like that. But why do I feel like this? I feel like my brain is fighting with itself. Like I've got two mentalities or something. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to get screwed in the end. I feel like fate is out to get me.How do I feel? I've been here before I've felt this Retreat to a place, a place within me I need this. Keep it all down, Bottled inside It breaks me. To torment again And torture me Like it used to