...and dep...

...and depressed and jealous and...Grr! Today was supposed to be a good day and it turned into a depressing one. Why the heck does this stuff always have to happen? Everything is going along so well and then he's got to tell me some story about a girl hitting on him at Disney and giving into the pressure of some immature spanish girl asking him for his e-mail address. I'm so mad right now I could scream!! Doesn't he see that all problems start small? He gave into the pressure and showed weakness and he has the nerve to give me lectures about it. I'm the one who hasn't had anything happen to me!! I've never had a problem with a another guy after the whole "change" thing. How am I supposed to think he's going to act if some girl forces herself on him or something else like that. Am I the only one in this relationship who friggin' gives a damn?And I love how he tries to turn it around on me and make me think I'm being ridiculous. I can't imagine him if I told him stories like that! He'd flip and he knows it! So the minute I get weirded out by it, it's stupid. Fuck him. I'll get mad about whatever I damn well feel like. I'd appreciate it if he'd quit the "I'm always right act". Fucking hypocrite. So now I'm sitting alone in my room watching TV all night wondering what's wrong with me. Now he's got me all self conscience. I feel like I've gone back to sixth grade where I hated my body and everything else about me. God damn it. I hate feeling this way and I know I have no reason to feel like that but I can't help it. It's like a pattern. You get mad and then you feel guilty. Right now I feel guilty. Do I need to change something about myself to interest him? My God! I know I don't. He's not like that. But why do I feel like this? I feel like my brain is fighting with itself. Like I've got two mentalities or something. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to get screwed in the end. I feel like fate is out to get me.How do I feel? I've been here before I've felt this Retreat to a place, a place within me I need this. Keep it all down, Bottled inside It breaks me. To torment again And torture me Like it used to