Thursday, August 30, 2007
I always find myself coming back here...
Normally I wouldn't be here at 2 o'clock in the morning writing in my online journal. I haven't done it for five months. Geez, I must be the queen of phases when it comes to journals.But circumstances are not normal. I need an outlet. I'm having weird dreams again. I feel horrible physically, mentally, and spiritually. Altogether, I am not a very happy person right now. I am so worried about stupid crap.I am just so frustrated with myself right now. I can't even put my feelings into words... My dreams: I keep having these dreams that have to do with my ring Chris gave me for my birthday this year. Our promise ring. In the dreams I have had about it, the stones fall out of the ring. I find myself crying and trying to find and pick up the pieces. In the first dream, the stones were huge. In my dream recently the openings for the stones were huge. I wake up thinking it really happened. I wake up with this feeling of dread having to face the day; then I realize it was just a dream. It is the weirdest cycle.I really don't want to think about what the dreams are telling me. Chris says they represent the part of my mind that hasn't totally given him my trust... but I don't think so. Then again, I think it is the sign of bad things to come for us... so I guess that would relate to the whole trust thing. I'm sure he is right. I have had other dreams about him breaking up with me and crap too. Those are the worst. The horrible thing is that I think this trust I haven't given him yet is trust that I can't give anyone. It wouldn't make a difference who it was. My past has had an effect on me that is hard to shake. I hate going back to that as an excuse but it's true!I don't know. I'm so tired of this type of stuff.
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2 comments:
I personally think that until a guy has asked me to marry him, he has no right asking for my complete trust. Don't worry about witholding some of yourself, you're still very young and you don't have to make any huge commitments.And as for your dreams. . .I wouldn't worry so much. Maybe you're just really protective of the ring, so you're worried about misplacing it or it being broken? You're probably dreaming of it because you're thinking about it so much. I hope that you get back on track and find a way to work through all these things that are bothering you. I'm always here to help. :)~Holly
Thanks Hollsie! :) My mood shifts from day to day. It is very strange. Today I am feeling fine. I'm sure I'll get out of this phase very soon. You are right though, I am VERY protective of that ring. It's sacred to me. It means so much not only to me but to us as a couple. Thanks for caring so much!**Pix
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