Oops

I have started to realize that I always make Chris sound like he's the devil. He really isn't anything like I probably make him sound to be. He is a GREAT guy. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. But like any normal human being he isn't perfect!

I can't believe I'm still upset with him...

It always seems like I start making progress and then something happens and I take about ten steps back. My discussion with Chris last night is still bothering me. Some of the things he said really made me mad and make me wonder. It bothers me that he is not able to say "no" because it is "not in his character". Please! If some girl threw herself at him, would he tell her no or stand there and take it? That is a very extreme example, but I can't think of any other one at the moment. Okay, what happened was we were at the park playing raquetball. After we were there awhile, these two girls that we know from school showed up. (Nichole and Cheryl) Now I'm friendly with both of them and so is Chris but I am not close to them whatsoever. Cheryl is really good at raquetball and I knew she was going to ask Chris to play against her. I wasn't going to have any of that. I told him very forcefully (which I regret now) that he was to not play with her. (In private of course)Of course she asked and he muttered a "we'll see" or something. After about 15 minutes Nichole and Cheryl left. Now probably everybody is wondering why that would bother me. I didn't want to watch him play this game against a girl laughing and having a grand ol' time! It just really bugged me. Like I said before, I regret making my feelings known so forcefully. I didn't mean to sound controlling. It just came out that way on accident. I wasn't trying to add to his discomfort of the situation. I am sorry for that. I'm not sorry for expressing my feelings to him, however. I know he wouldn't have wanted me to play a game against some guy that we both knew and one that he wasn't very close with. He says I'm making an issue out of nothing. Maybe I am, but it really bothered me that he was giving me such crap about being concerned. And he made some statements that were a little fishy. I don't know. He told me to forget what he said and that he didn't mean it the way they came out, but it is not that easy to forget things someone says that really bothers you.**Beware! I run off on a tangent here**Talk about giving him trust! I've basically put my whole future in his hands. That is trust! I'm going to the college he wants to go to so we can be together. I'm giving up being a career oriented woman (that doesn't bother me at all though). I think I've given him enough trust for now. I don't think I'll be able to completly trust until we tie the knot. (Whenever the hell that is...I'm going to be freakin' thirty before I get married.) Now nobody comment to me about how I'm being foolish because I'm not. You're not me. I know this relationship. I don't know if I should see him today. I don't know if I even want to speak to him. I have a class at 6 tonight but I could see him before or after. I don't know if I want to. I'm not very happy right now.He always complains about how I haven't given him my trust. He sure didn't help himself last night.

*sings* I'm drowning...drowning in a sea of algebra... */sings*

*Sigh* I am sooo tired right now but I want to finish my math homework. I have been working on this crap since one o'clock today and I'm still not done. I have about five problems that I have no idea how to do. *Dazes out* I don't want to save it for tomorrow because I have a whole slew of classes tomorrow and probably homework too. It doesn't help that this stupid free subscription to BCA is turning out to be more of a pain then a help. I'm supposed to get free tutorials and I can have one-on-one time with a tutor for help, but everytime I try to do something I can't register for it. This sucks. I guess I'll have to write tech support again. They are going to start loving me... This tutoring thing should be good though because they work straight out of the book I'm actually using in class. I just wish I had access to it... GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I don't want to go to school. I liked summer. I liked sleeping and not having a care in the world. I should make a mix CD of all of the songs that were popular this summer so I can listen to it next summer and get all nostalgic. Okay, I'm going to take a shower and then maybe tackle those problems again... or maybe I'll just sleep. ;)

I always find myself coming back here...

Normally I wouldn't be here at 2 o'clock in the morning writing in my online journal. I haven't done it for five months. Geez, I must be the queen of phases when it comes to journals.But circumstances are not normal. I need an outlet. I'm having weird dreams again. I feel horrible physically, mentally, and spiritually. Altogether, I am not a very happy person right now. I am so worried about stupid crap.I am just so frustrated with myself right now. I can't even put my feelings into words... My dreams: I keep having these dreams that have to do with my ring Chris gave me for my birthday this year. Our promise ring. In the dreams I have had about it, the stones fall out of the ring. I find myself crying and trying to find and pick up the pieces. In the first dream, the stones were huge. In my dream recently the openings for the stones were huge. I wake up thinking it really happened. I wake up with this feeling of dread having to face the day; then I realize it was just a dream. It is the weirdest cycle.I really don't want to think about what the dreams are telling me. Chris says they represent the part of my mind that hasn't totally given him my trust... but I don't think so. Then again, I think it is the sign of bad things to come for us... so I guess that would relate to the whole trust thing. I'm sure he is right. I have had other dreams about him breaking up with me and crap too. Those are the worst. The horrible thing is that I think this trust I haven't given him yet is trust that I can't give anyone. It wouldn't make a difference who it was. My past has had an effect on me that is hard to shake. I hate going back to that as an excuse but it's true!I don't know. I'm so tired of this type of stuff.

Happy Birthd...

Happy Birthday Buzzy!!!

Assistance needed!

Hey everyone, I need you guys to reply to this post for me and vote! It's a poll for an article as a part of my journalism class. Lots of responses would be great!Who is the cutest anime female lead of all?Sakura from Card Captor SakuraCherry from Saber Marionette JLime from Saber Marionette JLina Inverse from SlayersHikaru from Magic Knight RayearthOtherJust reply to this post and I will be eternally grateful to you all!

All is...

All is content with my world once again...:DBoys are very interesting...I have learned some valuable lessons in this area. They are so much more simple then us women are. I gotta say though, I would never want to be a guy. I like being complicated anyway. :)

Which Rainbo...

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By

Mawhahaha!...

Mawhahaha!Very cute, very pink, and very feminine. That's you.Find your inner rubber ducky.

...and dep...

...and depressed and jealous and...Grr! Today was supposed to be a good day and it turned into a depressing one. Why the heck does this stuff always have to happen? Everything is going along so well and then he's got to tell me some story about a girl hitting on him at Disney and giving into the pressure of some immature spanish girl asking him for his e-mail address. I'm so mad right now I could scream!! Doesn't he see that all problems start small? He gave into the pressure and showed weakness and he has the nerve to give me lectures about it. I'm the one who hasn't had anything happen to me!! I've never had a problem with a another guy after the whole "change" thing. How am I supposed to think he's going to act if some girl forces herself on him or something else like that. Am I the only one in this relationship who friggin' gives a damn?And I love how he tries to turn it around on me and make me think I'm being ridiculous. I can't imagine him if I told him stories like that! He'd flip and he knows it! So the minute I get weirded out by it, it's stupid. Fuck him. I'll get mad about whatever I damn well feel like. I'd appreciate it if he'd quit the "I'm always right act". Fucking hypocrite. So now I'm sitting alone in my room watching TV all night wondering what's wrong with me. Now he's got me all self conscience. I feel like I've gone back to sixth grade where I hated my body and everything else about me. God damn it. I hate feeling this way and I know I have no reason to feel like that but I can't help it. It's like a pattern. You get mad and then you feel guilty. Right now I feel guilty. Do I need to change something about myself to interest him? My God! I know I don't. He's not like that. But why do I feel like this? I feel like my brain is fighting with itself. Like I've got two mentalities or something. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to get screwed in the end. I feel like fate is out to get me.How do I feel? I've been here before I've felt this Retreat to a place, a place within me I need this. Keep it all down, Bottled inside It breaks me. To torment again And torture me Like it used to

We...

Well, finally I think I've got my journal where I want it to be. The only thing that keeps glaring at me is my "read comments" link. When it's visited, it's very hard to see because of the color. Tried for about an hour today to fix that sucker...maybe I'll take a crack at it later.Thank goodness the weekend is here! (No school tomorrow. Teacher Workday :) ) This was the sloooooowest week ever! And it is a surprise considering I didn't go into school for three days until 11 o'clock. My, time is such a fickle thing. *smack* Good news: No more Trig and no more Celano! Whoo! Bad news: Limited online time which equals less journal time. :( And I was just getting used to being a good journal-enterer... O_oMall tomorrow and tux fitting for Chris. This should be very interesting... I'm on the hunt to find shoes that match my dress. Good luck to me. I picked the most not-normal-color and I have to spend my own money. Bleh.I really need a job. Tapping into my bank account is giving me a guilty conscience... need...money...now!I'm gonna go for the world record tonight and see how many times I can listen to this Offspring CD. I'm on round number three.I need to get off. I'm rambling.

Ca...

Can anyone help me with overriding some stuff for my journal? All I want to do is change the two little comment links (read comments/post comments). I would really appreciate a little bit of guidence because right now, I'm lost in the sauce! Thank you!

*Wh...

*What do you think of these artists* O-town: Hate 'emChristina Aguilera: OilyRob Zombie: RocksLinkin Park: Inovative. Get played out unfortunatelyOzzy Osbourne: Die!!Elton John: GayFoo Fighters: Love 'emPink: Should be blackBritney Spears: Don't even get me startedAaron Carter: Future druggieSum41: Yuck. I hate punk.Dreamstreet: LMAOBeastie Boys: Eh...boring.Fabulous: Fabu-who?Nelly: Needs to take his Rangerover somewhere else.Alicia Keys: Real.Mystikal: *Gag*Outkast: HorribleHoobastank: Their lead singer looks kinda funky...alright I guess.Blink182: Can't stand 'emIncubus: Boring!Pink Floyd: Can't say. Haven't really heard 'emKittie: ScarySystem of the Down: Needs to learn how to write real musicNickelback: I like them even though their songs all sound the sameCreed: Their earlier hard stuff was better. Shakira: Needs to go back to Spain or wherever...112: DesperateAaliyah: *sigh*Missy Elliott: I think she might be playing for the blue teamPapa Roach: STOP WHINING!Slipknot: Do they "sing" in English?Korn: Awesome soundLimp Bizkit: Fred Durst breaks his ankles during performances.P Diddy: Why did he change his name? Oh yeah...a KILLER!

I found some ...

I found some other fun quizzes that I don't think anyone has posted yet...What is your meaning of life?Take the High Yield Killing Method Test Now!!**Alright! Where is my scythe?

I h...

I had to change my icon. I decided to go with a green theme for St. Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, my icon didn't match very well. Now I have Fuu from Magic Knight Rayearth. She's very green. That anime rocks.I showed up 20 minutes late for third period today. Whoops. Hey, it's not my fault that FCAT never ends at the same time everyday. I don't even know why I came to school today. I've only got journalism and I know no one will show up to that class. If only I hadn't told Ashley I'd come in today...I could have stayed home. :P Oh well. I'll live.I always think in the beginning of the year when I have new teachers that they don't like me. But usually they get to know me and then everything is fine. Why can't Mr. Bourguignon be like that? (My physics teacher) I swear he hasn't liked me from day one. Of course he loves Chris. Him and Chris are buddies and they talk man to man all the time. I mean, he even likes Crystal! God! I hate how he flaunts over her basically! She had a baby almost a year ago and all these teachers are so nice to her and crap. Everytime I look at her I get disgusted. I hate how this world is so freakin' liberal. Does anyone else besides me think it's horrible that she didn't have the responsibility to keep her legs closed as a 17 year old and had a kid? Children are supposed to be for married people who are in love!! Not some hormone crazed teenager who just happened to forget to make her boyfriend put on a condom. Geez. I could break something I swear.End rant.Now I've gotten myself all worked up. I better go look at some relaxing wallpaper or something before I explode.

Weee...

Weee! I am so into this new cherry phase! They are just so cute!Finally! A personality quiz liked me! ;PAnd I love this movie.

*sigh...

*sigh* Do you ever get those moods all of a sudden when a wave of depression comes over you? I mean, you're perfectly fine one minute and then the next you notice yourself in a type of slump? That's the way I'm feeling right now but probably because I'm extremely bored right now.I watched Once and Again last night and it was...bleh. I'm such a hypocrite. One second I'm preaching that people should be more tolerant of gay people and as long as it doesn't affect your life you should let it be, but in another breath it "creeps" me out to an extent. I think homosexual people should find happiness and if they love the same sex then that's fine. On the contrary, when I saw Jessie and her friend Katie kiss on the show last night I thought I'd have nightmares and honestly, I felt sick. So maybe I'm okay with the idea but I just don't want to actually see it. Am I a hypocrite? It's not my lifestyle but that doesn't mean it's not okay. I just prefer to protect my virgin eyes.I really should not let this bother me. Whatever.Hey, does anyone know a good place to get free wallpapers for the computer?Just for kicks: Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention! I am also Maya Angelou and William Shakespeare. Cool!

Continued...

I am sweet, like Sugar.I am all sweetness and light; fluffy bunnies and dancing fairies; happiness and joy. Too much of me will make you sick. What Flavour Are You?You are like a rockstar...only in Dutch.Find out what YOUR inner non-sequitur is!quiz by A.V. Phibes

lots o' quizzes

What day are you? You're all happy-bubbly, highly optimistic, and disgustingly sweet. Airhead? Maybe, considering you contain about 80% air. (No fair! These quizzes definetly hate me. -_-)

Why can't ...

Why can't I pass tests? With an A? I'm so sick of studying and still not doing well! Math, physics...today was the last straw. I totally blanked out on my physics test today and yesterday I didn't do well on my trig test. I almost started crying after first period today. Thank God Chris was there to help me feel better. He always knows just what to say...It always seems like no matter how much I study I can not succeed! I always end up with a C or a really low A or something. Maybe I'm looking for too much here but I have such high expectations for myself and I will not for one minute deny that I can't get 100s on tests. I know I can! I can do anything I want to. The other part of me though is so ready to give up. I just keep thinking how happy I'd be if I'd just throw in the towel and go back to my old ways. But I know I'll just end up screwing myself over later in life. I'm so confused right now. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I'm sick of being stressed.

...

I am 44% CANADIAN!!!(Take the Canadian-ness test)

(You are 44% Canadian. You must be a foreigner, you aren't very Canadian at all!)-Well duh. I *am* American.

You pe...

You people say there are a lot of February birthdays? Geez! I don't know if it's just a Florida thing but it seems like everyone here has a birthday in March. I only know a handful of people who have birthdays in February. Maybe it's a conspiracy...maybe it's not...Has anyone built a kite before? We have to build them for our mid-term grade in my physics class. The directions look mad hard and I'm not looking forward to it. When I told my dad about it though, he got all excited. O_o I think all dad's have that weird excitement when their child has a "manly" type project to do. Watch out! Massive levels of testosterone!I really wish Andrea would hurry up and talk to her boss about a job for me. Andrea works at the Hallmark store in town and I would just *love* to work there. I love the atmosphere. It's so calm and peaceful in a Hallmark store and very perky. All the bright colors cheer me up. I just hope my typical Shannon luck won't ruin this for me. I can just see her boss saying no. Damn! But, I would be an awesome investment because I'm not going away to school this year like everyone else who works there. Almost all of them are going to UNF and I'm staying here. So train me now, beef me up, and I'll rock and know what I'm doing by the time the fall semester rolls around!So tired...must have sleep...I had no weekend and I'm extremely bitter right now. :P I'd sleep in Trig but I'm afraid Noble would throw a handful of dry erase markers at me. Ouch.

A Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday 57!

Geek...

I am so sore it's not even funny...I can't even walk straight. I feel like a moron. I love raquetball, but this soreness is no good!I can't believe Chris lost his wallet. Where the heck did it go to? Did it just grow legs, jump out of his pocket, and walk away on its own? I really hope he finds it 'cause it's gonna suck when he has to go get all these cards and stuff he has redone. New school ID, driver's license, library card...and so on. He lost some perfectly good pretzel and Gloria Jean punch cards and not to mention a great Old Navy gift card! The horror! And to top it all off, some crazy person out there is running around with a twenty dollar bill in his hand and a picture of three year old Mike and two pictures of me. Eew. AND a poem I wrote Chris. This sucks. I hope Ms. Alverez or Noble has it. Geez.Why do I always get sick after lunch? It never fails. Everyday. And why am I in a ranting mood all of a sudden?I want to get this day over with already and hopefully get on the court. "I try to get away and they pull me back in."

Stress release before a big test...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TRIG TEST IN 10 MINUTES! I'M GONNA DIE! I HOPE I DON'T FAIL!School is so stressful. I woke up this morning immediatly thinking about trig and what reference angle goes along with 300 degrees and tangent is always slope. Not a good sign probably. At least I won't have homework for once tonight. Geez. BTW, hey everyone! I'm alive!!

La la la...

I feel bad for the kiddies here in Tampa. They go back to school today(the 8th). Yuck. I got all these bad memories from going to my sister's orientation too the other night. Middle school is just terrible! It's like a lesser form of high school. The environment just sickens me to no end. It's disheartening to know that most of those kids will turn out to be drunken, drugged up, idiotic kids that walk around high school. It's just the attitude. Bleh.It felt good to get rid of pretty much all of my old entries from last year. Of course, only avid readers of my awesome journal (O_o) would notice. :) It's like cutting the ties from a troubling past one by one and watching them fall into oblivion. Of course, not all of them want to stay in oblivion permanently and like to come back and haunt me. But, eventually, I know they will ALL take up residency there...someday.

And the countdown begins...

11 more days until hell begins once more for me...Oh boy. Senior year starts in 11 days....I really wish I had done better in my 3 previous years of high school. (Grade wise) But, I guess it isn't all THAT bad. I mean, I get to try out my new personality for all the great folks at FPC. >:-(I'm not nervous. I swear.I'm just anxious and dreading the actual work load; from school AND work.So the next week will be spent in Tampa visiting my mother and then I will have 3 days to relax before hell begins. I really shouldn't have put this trip off as long as I did. That pisses me off. Three fucking days before school begins. It's late so I'm cursing. I'd better get some sleep before I scare even the devil.Did I mention I miss my boyfriend? No? Well, there ya go.

Ah...finally done!

Finally finished my clothes shopping today! While the boyfriend's away, Pixelie will play! If you consider shopping "playing". Haha. Ahem.When is my freakin' CD gonna get here??!!

Oh boy...

Well, the past two days has been a real adventure! Sunday I started on my back to school shopping. Got a pretty big chunk of it done. I only really had a problem with finding pants that fit me in the waist, but were long enough...What a pain! I'm now a size 3! I used to be a 1 but now I grew. I feel accomplished! :) But, I guess it's normal growth. It must be my hips...Then yesterday I went with Chris and his family for his shopping. The day went great! Until I HAD to go ruin it by getting bent out of shape about absolutly NOTHING!!!! I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday. GRRRR! I feel like I'm doing so good and I have my temper under control and then something stupid like this happens and it sets me back. My dad just HAD to give me that stupid gene. Yesterday afternoon/evening was just way...wierd. I'm done with my period...have been for 3 days but yesterday I felt like I had the PMS-y-depressed thing going on. Is it normal to act like that AFTER the period is over? Hmm...But at least I got my cell phone bill lowered by at least $10! Stupid Cingular... And I should get my first Ebay purchase in the mail sometime!! Geez! How long does it take to get something from California to Florida? I hope it comes today...I want to get it before I go to my mom's house on Thursday so I can listen to it in the car. I've been thinking about investing in buying 80's toys! Like My Little Ponies and stuff! I miss all of mine...:(And guess what it's doing right now outside AGAIN. Raining. *gag*

Today is the 28th!! Today is the 28th!!

Today is automatically a great day! *sings* It's my anniversary with Crifur! 5 months! 5 months!! */sings*We're going to St. Augustine. About a 30 minute - 45 minutes drive from my small city. Yeah you got it! I'm going to the first city in America!!!!! Jealous? *crickets chirp* That's what I thought...On a more serious note, St. Augustine is a such a great place for us. It brings back so many memories.... I can't believe it has been 5 months! I always thought back in the beginning it would be forever before we reached 5 or 6 months but here we are! And of course, this month was such a monumental month. I can't wait until he gets here! I filled up 3 blank spaces in his card last night and I decorated it all pretty and stuff...Yeah I know he's a boy but still!! :)*sings again* I luv ma' boyfriend! I luv ma' boyfriend! <3 <3 */singing again*

Kind of a movie/life review

Who ever would have thought that a plastic bag floating in the wind, would have such a spiritual impact? Just watching it stirred this happiness inside me; and I couldn't help but smile to myself. Actually, I've been all smiles lately. This change has made me more happy then I can ever remember or the happiest I've ever been in my small, short life. I'm so glad I have someone to share it with. One of my main goals this summer has been to find myself spiritually with no pressures from the church and it looks like I have succeeded. Finding yourself spiritually doesn't exactly mean God or religion. Yes I believe in God and I pray, but finding yourself spiritually means finding "you" in your self. Yay for me! I can't wait to greet society with this huge smile. Everyone should see American Beauty.

Rain rain rain...

It's raining. It rained. It rained yesterday and today and probably tomorrow. And it is still raining! Will it ever end? Will I be flooded out of my house??? Nah.

A New Start...

Well, I've finally updated! And trust me, it's long over due! So much has happened in my life since November of 2000 until now. But, I'm not going to go into a long, drawn out, history or anything. I'm just going to start from my feelings today because that is what's important.I was reading the paper today and saw an article about the Huntington banks and how they are being closed here in Florida and I thought of Chris's dad. I can't believe something as horrible as he being let go could happen! It's extremely scary. A thought that hit me today was "What if they have to move??" I could never survive if Chris and his family moved away. I would certainly die a long and painful death. Just not seeing Chris for a day is hard enough, what would I do if I could rarely NEVER see him? The thought itself makes me want to cry.All these dreams are popping up at night from the "Reborn Again" process. I guess my brain is giving me a look from Chris's point of view and how what I have done affects him. I'm only sad that it didn't occur to me until now; after four months of us going out. And why is he always so dark and almost evil like in my dreams?? I don't think I've ever had one where Chris has been his normal self. What does that mean? Last nights consisted of sort of in a nut shell, me taking advantage of the fact that him and I are going to be together forever. Maybe I have been like that. Maybe that's why I never cared how other people (mainly other guys) saw me. But that is definatly not a good attitude. And it angers me to know that I took our relationship for granted.....but maybe I'm being to extreme here. It's so hard to put what I'm feeling and that whole dream into words. I just need to see him and talk to him because then I will know that everything is okay and we are going to make it.